I’m Sorry
Luke 15:11-24
September 28, 1980
There is a famous line from a play by Christopher Fry that goes: ‘ Where in this small-talking world can I find a longitude with no platitude?’
Longitudes with no platitudes- that is what this series on the common sayings is all about. Changing Latitudes to longitudes, changing cliches into words that carry meaning, changing polite conversations into expressions that speak to our very depths — that’s what we are about on these mornings. Hello and goodbye, thank you, I’m sorry — these are all parts of the common ground . How can we make them longitudes and not platitudes? Let us pray:
Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways!
Reclothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise
Amen
Remember the famous phrase in the best seller and movie Love Story — the line that goes, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry? it was quoted for a year or two as gospel. When I first heard it in the movie, it sounded romantic and was delivered with a sincerity that made it seem true. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted a refund – knee-jerk reactions to our faults, empty gestures. And if that be so, maybe the words should pass from common usage.
But if forgiveness, repentance, acknowledgment of wrongs have any place in our world – and I happen to think they do — then in every love relationship, every relationship, period, the phrase I’m sorry has a precious part to play. “I’m in sorry” is only precious, though, if we invest the words with meaning.
At the very start, here we should recognize that it is infinitely easier to say something than to mean it. It is much simpler for the singer to croon, the writer to write, ‘ I love you,” than really to love a person. Genuine love calls for sacrifice, and this is hard. It is much more convenient for the social commentator to talk about loyalty than to show loyalty. Loyalty means support, even when it is unpopular, and this can be difficult.
And so it is with sayings like “I’m sorry It is easy for us to say it as a polite, empty gesture, but to have it mean something- that is something else. The cost to us would be for us to change, and that is a price that most of us think is too extravagant.
When I was in high school, there was a popular song from some movie; I remember that June Allison sang it (amazing the trivia that stays in one’s mind!) . Anyway, I forgot the title, but I do recall part of the lyrics. It went: the best things in Life are free. In a sense that is true. The sunlight we enjoy, the air we breathe, the magnificent mountains — all these things are free. I know what the song was trying to say. But I also know that the best things in life are not really free. There is always a price, even though it may not be self-evident.
The wag who coined the phrase, There is no such thing as a free lunch, was saying a truism about life. Every time we say I’m sorry” and really mean it, there is a price. As a polite form of social interchange, it is cheap, but as a longitude, a phrase with meaning, the cost is change. It calls for more than simply words; it calls for a change in the one who is sorry.
In the parable we read this morning, when the prodigal returned he did not just say “I ‘m sorry. How easy that would have been! But the prodigal meant more by his apology, and so he said, ‘ Make me as one of your hired servants. Can you imagine what would have been the reaction if the prodigal had simply gone about shouting, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m terribly sorry. I have come back to say how sorry I am ”? Eventually somebody would have said, ‘ So you’re back, so you’re sorry, so what ?’
Don’t ever forget this, especially you who are articulate, who can say the words with ease; it is much easier to say ‘ I’m sorry than to really mean it. It is much easier to say things than to change. The cost of doing something about broken relationships is never cheap .
Now lets take one step further. I have observed through the years that people often settle for a cliche because their expectations are limited. It is not simply that most of us resist the price ; it is just a feeling that the cost will not be recognized by both sides . After all, if we say we are sorry and the other person doesn’t treat us as changed people, all the pain has been for naught.
I can recall an incident that happened to me quite recently. A few months ago, I said I would visit someone. Unbeknownst to me, she anxiously awaited my call. Frankly, I had forgotten; the week went by, things piled up, and it just slipped from my mind. Finally, on Sunday, that person came up to me and really let me have it. All I could say was — oh boy, I blew it — “I’m sorry. When may I come by?” She said, ‘ Never. The next week, I kept running into her, and she would hardly acknowledge my presence. So finally I picked up my courage and pride and went up to her and said:
‘Look, I’m sorry. You may continue to be mad at me if you want, but that will never change the situation. Or you can accept my apology and we can start all over again.”
I wish this were a success story, but it isn’t. She answered, Oh, it doesn’t matter. I could not care less if you are or not. And that was the end of our relationship. We are now polite and distant, and don’t expect much from each other.
The story of the prodigal son never lets you see the next chapter in the young man’s life. Your imagination has to take you into the future. The story basically ends with the embrace of the father, but life went on for that family, and I have to believe that the son came home to a different situation. It was different because the father believed the sons ‘I’m sorry”. The beginning of change happened when the father took the apology seriously. A broken relationship can be mended only when both sides acknowledge the hurt.
One of the best examples of what I mean comes from a story shared by Bill Nher of Yale. It seems that a five-year-old had worked all fall on a ceramic ashtray. He wanted to give it to his parents for Christmas. On the last day before the holidays, after the traditional Christmas program, the youngster was trying to run down the hall, put on his coat, and wave goodbye all at the same time. In the process, he slipped and crushed the carefully wrapped package with a terrible breaking noise. There was a moment of silence, and then the child broke into uncontrollable sobs .
In an effort to comfort him, and make the best of a bad situation, the father said, Don’t cry, son, don’t cry. It really doesn’t make any difference. We will all just go home-” And still the youngster cried.
The mother was far wiser. Sweeping the Child up in her arms, she said, ‘ Yes, it does; it matters a great deal. And they wept together while sitting on the floor. When the crying had stopped, she turned to her son and said, ‘ Let’s pick up the pieces and see what we can make out of what’s left.
Here is the essence of forgiveness. Here is compassion, love, at its very best. It does not discount the importance of what had happened, but is able to move beyond the hurt to a new situation. When we take the words I’m sorry” seriously, we can dare to see a future beyond the event of imperfection. I’m sorry” taken and given seriously moves us into the business of salvaging rather than scrapping. And this is the greatness, the excitement, in these simple words.
Salvaging rather than scrapping — that’s what love relationships are all about, isn’t that so? Many of our relationships consist of mending the brokenness, healing the wounds, and doing the work of salvaging. It is only when we seek perfection and cannot accept imperfection that we would bar asking for forgiveness.. It is only in Hollywood that lines like “Love means never having to say I’m sorry’ are presented as truths of love.
How do you make a longitude out of a platitude? Jesus did it by telling parables that explained the love relationship between God and man. The truth of love is that “I’m sorry’ is an operative phrase. And if we can learn to say it, and listen for it in others, maybe, just maybe, we may hear the words: This is my son or daughter who was dead and is alive, was lost and is found.
Amen