Handling Anger
Ephesians 4: 26-32
Matthew 10: 21-35
October 3, 1999
I would like to talk to you this morning about something we all have a fair amount of – about something we’re not very successful at managing. We often deny we have it, bury it, bottle it up, and sometimes it explodes at inconvenient times. Some people get sick over it and even die from it. Have you guessed what I’m referring to? Anger, that emotion which most of us are not very good at handling.
Yet, St. Paul, in our text, recommends that we exercise our anger. He writes in the imperative mood. It’s a command, and I think he says this because it’s important to recognize the naturalness of anger. There is nothing inherently wrong with anger. And Paul would have us believe in effect, that anger is a gift from God.
In pre-marital counseling, I often spend a great deal of time trying to convince couples to see anger as a healthy emotion, something to be expected, and even welcomed. I often say, “The closer you are to a person, the more occasions you will find for anger.” The problem with anger comes when we fail to recognize our anger and then respond in inappropriate ways. Paul acknowledges this, for the whole sentence in Ephesians is, “Be angry, but do not sin.”
You see, it’s not anger at issue, but rather, the way we respond that is the occasion for sin.
Dr. Rex Julian Beaber, a clinical psychologist at UCLA, writes, “There is a reservoir of rage that exists in each person waiting to burst out.” He claims it’s natural to fantasize about killing the guy who takes your parking space, or arresting the person who has cheated you in business, or exposing to the world someone who has lied about you. Beaber then says, “Only by growing up in a civilized society of laws can we learn appropriate responses to anger.”
While the good doctor is right about the reservoir of rage that exists in each of us, I would question his thesis about appropriate responses. We live, I think, in a civilized society of law; yet we’re surrounded on every side by inappropriate responses. In the past five years, there has been a term that has become common in our vocabulary, “Road Rage.” This term doesn’t simply refer to incidents like what happened a week ago on Grant and Campbell. We use the term to refer to the cycle of violence that touches us all. Let’s face it, we live and breathe in a litigious, judgmental, unforgiving culture.
Paul, our guide for today, suggests that anger can be managed. We can overcome our so-called civilized society. “Be angry,” he tells the Ephesians, “but do not sin.” How can this be done? How can we respond and still avoid sinning? Let me suggest three steps to which our Christian faith points.
Before giving you these, let me freely admit that I’m preaching to myself (as I do in most of my sermons), and that it’s easier to preach than to do. Only with God’s grace can we hope to put these three things into practice.
The first step is to acknowledge the anger within. The beginning of wisdom is knowing and admitting to oneself that there is a reservoir of rage that we often, consciously or unconsciously, tap into. When we fail to recognize our own anger, we tend to focus on what others have done to us. We often see ourselves as the blameless one, or the innocent victim, and we paint the other as the worst of sinners.
There is, in the wedding service, a prayer which asks that “God give us the grace that when we hurt one another, to acknowledge our own fault.” Acknowledging your own fault is, in effect, recognizing that anger, sometimes rage, lies deep down inside and plays a part in most conflict situations. St. Augustan writes, “Imagine the vanity of thinking that your enemy can do you more harm than your enmity, than your own anger.
The second step in learning to handle anger is in learning to give it away. This may sound simple, and it is; but it is not easy. Giving away our anger means giving away the memory of whatever has made us angry. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It isn’t a case of justice versus injustice. It is simply learning to hand the whole situation over to God.
Now, we’re not very practiced at giving much to God. (Next week we start our canvass, so let me get a leg up and say, “If you can’t give your money to God, the chances are that you’re not likely to be able to give your memories to God.)
But back to anger. How is it that some of us can wrap up our memories and hand them over to God, and others describe ourselves as elephants who keep rehearsing supposed wrongs? How is it that some people are forgiving and others are not? it sounds so simple. I wish I could make it more complicated. It’s like giving away a worn
/x out pair of shoes that you no longer desire to wear. Some of us hold on to those shoes in our closet even after they are no longer useful or stylish. Or it’s like a wound that we have incurred. Some of us keep rubbing it, so that it never heals. But remember, Christ said that he would take away the burden of sin. The burden of anger was included. So learn to be generous and give it away Give it to Christ, learn to forgive, and let God worry about justice and fairness and all the legalities.
Finally, there is one more step in the process of managing our anger. That step is re-imaging the person or situation. We must, in effect, make a new association with the person or event that has triggered our anger. What I’m calling for here is the ability to see persons who have wronged us in a new light. No longer can we see that person as simply a miserable sinner. Now that person is seen as the object of God’s love.
I’ve got to admit to you that this final step is the most difficult for me to follow. I and it hard to remind myself that those who have done me wrong will precede me into Heaven. And those people are the people for whom Christ died. But this is what our faith tells us. Forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation can only happen when we see the other person as loved and cherished by God.
Well, how is it with you? What do you say about your anger? Can you handle it, or does it control your very being? Remember! Remember, when you begin to feel angry, you stand at a crossroads. Are you going to manage your anger, recognize it for what it is, give it away, and let the light of Christ’s forgiving spirit shine on the situation? Or are you going to let the cycle of destructive rage that looks for vengeance and retribution have the last word? The choice is yours.
Paul reminds us this morning, “Be angry, but sin not.” It’s hard. It’s difficult. It takes God’s grace and support, but it is possible. So, be generous to one another and to yourselves. Be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgives you.
Amen